


What We Do in the Dowling Estate

by doomed_spectacles



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Aziraphale Loves Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale and Crowley both are and aren't Mr. Cortese and Mr. Harrison, But also just like a kid with a weird childhood yanno, Humor, Idiots in Love, M/M, Mockumentary Format, Multi, Original Character(s), POV Outsider, Screenplay/Script Format, Warlock Dowling is a Little Shit, ineffable tutors
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-24
Updated: 2020-09-24
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:48:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26631628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doomed_spectacles/pseuds/doomed_spectacles
Summary: A film crew follows Mr. Harrison and Mr. Cortese, private tutors hired to educate Warlock Dowling, the son of an American Ambassador.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Mr Cortese/Mr Harrison (Good Omens)
Comments: 28
Kudos: 71





	What We Do in the Dowling Estate

**Author's Note:**

> This started as a lark based on a Discord conversation about Mr. Harrison and Mr. Cortese being inept humans hired by Aziraphale and Crowley to do their thing, instead of Aziraphale and Crowley themselves. Things spiraled, as they are wont to do.
> 
> I've never written in this format before, so while I absorbed some examples and did some reading about conventions, all failures to adhere to the script format are mine.

**WHAT WE DO IN THE DOWLING ESTATE**

INT. ESTATE. LIBRARY - AFTERNOON  
MR. HARRISON, a harried man in his early 40s is trying to coax a child to come out from behind an ornate leather sofa. Behind him are bookshelves and large portraits of Mr. and Mrs. Dowling in stiff, formal poses. The child, in a crisp formal outfit, is blubbering.

MR HARRISON  
Come on, Warlock. Come out now, it’s okay. Rover won’t hurt you, will you, Rover?

A large black dog sits on his haunches and stares silently at the boy. The boy starts crying in earnest. Close on Mr. Harrison, who has removed his suit jacket and has dog hair all over his trousers.

INT. INTERVIEW WITH MR HARRISON  
The interview room is a repurposed storage room that looks like it's been hastily converted to something camera-ready. On a wing-backed chair that looks very nice but not at all comfortable, sits the interview subject.

CREW  
Could you just repeat that, since we're on mic?

MR HARRISON  
Right, yeah so as I was saying, this kid hates the dog.

CREW  
Warlock

MR HARRISON  
Warlock, yeah.

Pause.

MR HARRISON  
He, uh, I think he's scared of it?

A child screams in the background. He sounds scared but in an obnoxious way. He is fully expecting to be rescued from the situation if he puts up a fuss.

MR HARRISON  
(Exasperated) I don't know why he needed a dog. The kid is clearly traumatized now. But he said get him a dog, so…

CREW  
This is Mr. Crowley?

MR HARRISON  
Yeah. Mr. Crowley says to get him a dog and have it track mud in the house.

He shakes his head and shrugs.

MR HARRISON  
That guy is scary. Like, why does he look like he’s in the mob if he’s running a tutoring agency? I guess I shouldn’t say anything. He’s my employer, so I just do what he says, you know.

A crash, like the sound of something very expensive breaking on hardwood floor.

MR HARRISON  
Shit. Warlock!

INT. ESTATE. KITCHEN- MORNING  
MR. CORTESE, a content-looking man in his late thirties is eating a biscuit. He's well dressed, and completely ignores the hubbub of the kitchen behind him.

MR CORTESE  
So I says to him, "Not bloody well likely given the way you fell off that horse!"

CREW  
(Laughs)

MR CORTESE  
But anyway, you asked how I'm getting on here at the estate. I'd say things are going well, for the most part.

Crew asks a question, off mic.

MR CORTESE  
The other tutor? Well, I…

Close on Mr. Cortese, who looks coy.

MR CORTESE  
Let’s just say I’ve got a few lessons I’d like to _run by him_. (Smirks)

MR CORTESE  
But yes, well, Warlock is regrettably good at maths. (Sighs) I haven’t got a clue how to teach maths. Not my specialty. But he didn’t even really look at my qualifications when he hired me, so that’s hardly on me.

CREW  
This is Mr. Aziraphale?

MR CORTESE  
(Tartly) Yes, him. He’s such a stuffy bastard, you know? Strange. Like, seems perfectly normal, perfectly posh. Then you just go, something’s not right, love. Not right at _all_.

The chef chases Mr. Cortese out of the kitchen, but in a good-natured way. He blows her a kiss and steals a biscuit, then two more, from the tin. He steps back into the camera’s view and waves.

MR CORTESE  
Cheers darlings.

INT. ESTATE. LIBRARY - AFTERNOON  
Mr. Harrison and Mr. Cortese are talking in the corner. At the desk by the window, Warlock is supposed to be studying but he’s carving a rude phrase into the desk with the sharp end of his protractor instead. The tutors ignore him. Mr. Cortese is smiling and pats Mr. Harrison affectionately on the arm before turning to go. Close on Mr. Harrison, whose face has turned completely red. As Mr. Cortese faces the camera away from Mr. Harrison, he wags his eyebrows and grins.

INT. INTERVIEW WITH MR HARRISON

MR HARRISON  
I just don’t know how I’m supposed to do this. I’m used to oversight on lessons, but this is…

He holds up his lesson planning book. Entire sections are marked out in red pen. In giant letters, the words “Attila the Hun” are scrawled across the top. Underlined. In parentheses underneath, it says “He was a wanker but important, don’t include the bit about him caring for his old gran and gramps.”

MR HARRISON  
What does this even mean? He was a wanker? I mean, yeah, he was _Atilla the bloody Hun!_ These notes are getting out of hand.

MONTAGE — VARIOUS

A) HALLWAY. Mr. Harrison and Mr. Cortese are putting on their coats. Both are smiling and laughing. They’re standing very close to one another.

B) EXT. ESTATE ENTRANCE. Mr. Harrison and Mr. Cortese exiting the grounds, chatting. A sudden burst of rain. Both look up, startled. Mr. Cortese extends his umbrella over Mr. Harrison, who doesn’t have one. They continue walking.

C) LIBRARY. Warlock is using the modeling clay from a lesson on atomic structure to construct crude facsimiles of human anatomy. Mr. Cortese is doing the crosswords instead of supervising. Mr. Harrison brings him a cup of tea.

D) HALLWAY. A fire alarm panics the house staff. Harriet Dowling, in a state, rushes down the stairs where she meets Mr. Cortese and Warlock. She grabs Warlock by the hand and pulls him off-screen. Mr. Harrison and Mr. Cortese meet in the confusion. Mr. Cortese grabs Mr. Harrison by the hand and also pulls him offscreen.

E) A DIFFERENT HALLWAY. With the fire alarm still going, Mr. Cortese and Mr. Harrison, holding hands, rush down the hall to a closed door. Giggling and still holding hands, they enter the room together and shut the door.

INT. INTERVIEW WITH MR CORTESE  
His usually posh attire is slightly rumpled and his face is flushed.

MR CORTESE  
(Cheeky smile.)

Pause.

MR CORTESE  
(Even cheekier smile.)

Pause.

MR CORTESE  
(Clears his throat and adjusts his bow tie.)

INT. INTERVIEW WITH MR HARRISON — THE NEXT DAY  
He looks worried.

MR HARRISON  
I just don’t know what I’m going to do. (Pause.) If I lose this job...

He runs his hands through his brown hair. It’s slicked back and when he does this, it frizzes. He doesn’t notice.

MR HARRISON  
I did as I was told, you know. I taught that daft Attila the Hun lesson exactly the way it was written! It’s not my fault he’s a little shit!

He looks around, worried.

MR HARRISON  
You can cut that, right? I didn’t say that. I just mean, the kid’s a kid, right? I don’t know if I’d call him _evil!_ And if he was? What am I supposed to do about it? I’m a hired tutor, not his dad.

He’s increasingly agitated.

MR HARRISON  
It’s an unrealistic expectation, it is! How am I supposed to ensure the kid isn’t evil? How is that my job? I think this place is getting to me. If it weren’t for…

Crew prompts him off-mic.

MR HARRISON  
Yeah, okay, Mr. Cortese. You caught me. If it weren’t for him I’d have quit ages ago. I really shouldn’t be saying this.

Mr. Harrison ends the interview. He leaves, looking conflicted.

EXT. ESTATE ENTRANCE. — SEVERAL DAYS LATER  
Mr. Harrison and Mr. Cortese exit the grounds, both carrying cardboard boxes. Warlock watches from the background. He doesn’t seem all that sad to see them go. Mr. Cortese waves to the camera and blows a kiss. As they leave, Mr. Cortese takes Mr. Harrison's hand.

INT. INTERVIEW WITH MR HARRISON (#2)  
A harried-looking red haired person in a dark suit and sunglasses sits in the interview chair in such a way that stretches the definitions of ‘sit’, ‘chair’, and ‘person’. He has a red beard that appears to be neatly groomed until you look very closely. He’s scowling.

Crew asks question off-mic.

MR HARRISON (#2)  
Yeah, wot, I’m Mr. Harrison. Always have been.

CREW  
I mean, you’re not. We have tape.

MR HARRISON (#2)  
(Sniffs) You’re mistaken.

Pause.

MR HARRISON (#2)  
(Unintelligible) And so yeah, I’m here and the antichrist is totally normal. The _child_ is totally normal.

Pause.

MR HARRISON (#2)  
What? He’s a child. Totally normal child. Not evil. Or whatever. Must’ve had an excellent nanny.

A crash, followed by a commotion from the kitchen. Indistinct yelling, and a child’s laughter. Warlock runs past the camera, holding a roasted turkey leg over his head. He’s chased by a member of the waitstaff, dressed in white. Waitstaff is apologetic as they cross the camera, but hurries by, shouting at Warlock.

Mr. Harrison (#2) smirks. He looks proud. Close on his face, which quickly changes back to a scowl.

INT. INTERVIEW WITH KITCHEN STAFF  
A woman in a chef’s hat and apron talks to crew while the rest of the staff is busy preparing lunch. Every now and then they glare her way as they pick up the slack for her taking the time for the camera.

SOUS CHEF  
Oh you mean the new Mr. Cortese? Yeah I guess he’s filling in for the old Mr. Cortese? I don’t really get it, but then, like, the old Mr. Cortese was always swiping food from the pantry and we let him get away with it cos he was an old charmer that one was. Ya know? He just had that way about him, always charming. This new Mr. Cortese is similar.

CREW  
In what way?

SOUS CHEF  
Well like, he steals biscuits and the like, but it’s just not the same. He’s charming, I guess, but like, in a scary way, ya know? There’s somethin’ almost not right about him. Like his eyes are blue, yeah, but they’re _too_ blue. And I don’t know how he does that trick with the tea.

CREW  
Trick with the tea?

SOUS CHEF  
Yeah like, he’ll always have a hot cuppa goin’ even when you know he ain’t been to the kettle in hours? I don’t know how he does it. And I saw him the other day with- oh, I shouldn’t say.

She clearly wants to say.

SOUS CHEF  
(Furtively) The new Mr. Harrison. He’s a sweetheart, that one. Little matchstick man, I call ‘em. Anyhow, they were changing shifts from morning to evening lesson, you know, and young master Warlock was eating his meal. I went to collect the plates and I saw ‘em coming out the library together.

A pause. She wiggles her eyebrows.

SOUS CHEF  
Like, _together_ , you know what I mean? His tie was all undone, the new Mr. Harrison’s was, and his glasses all askew. He looked like he’d been… Ooh! I shouldn’t say. It’s their business, it is. But Mr. Cortese, the second one, ya know, he just smiled all cheeky and went on about his day. He looks a little like a sexy Santa, but he’s a right devil that one.

Behind her, one of the line chefs swears up a storm as a pot boils over.

SOUS CHEF  
(Guiltily, but not all that guiltily) I should get back.

MONTAGE — VARIOUS

A) LIBRARY. Mr. Cortese (#2) brings Mr. Harrison (#2) a book. The two converse inaudibly, but Mr. Harrison is visibly trying not to laugh. As Mr. Cortese leaves, Mr. Harrison swats him on the rear with the book.

B) DRAWING ROOM. Warlock is seated at one end of a long table. He’s studying, for once. On the other end of the table, Mr. Cortese (#2) and Mr. Harrison (#2) are seated opposite one another. Mr. Harrison struggles to maintain a neutral face, while Mr. Cortese sips a cup of cocoa. Close shot under the table. Mr. Cortese’s foot is stroking the back of Mr. Harrison’s calf. Cut to Mr. Harrison’s hand, which has squeezed the ink out of a pen.

C) EXT. — ESTATE GROUNDS. Mr. Harrison (#2) and Mr. Cortese (#2) walking the grounds, deep in conversation. Warlock is nowhere to be seen. As they walk, the flowers bounding the path on Mr. Cortese’s side bloom simultaneously. On Mr. Harrison’s side of the path, the shrubs quiver.

INT. INTERVIEW WITH CAMERA CREW  
CAMERAMAN is dressed nicely but plainly, with a smart cap on his head and wearing a resigned expression. He struggles to find words for a few moments before speaking.

CREW  
I don’t think any of this is usable, to be honest.

FADE OUT.

**Author's Note:**

> [come say hi on tumblr!](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/doomed-spectacles)


End file.
